I hate the moment my anger turns into tears.

I was going to blog about my diet and some tweaks I've made and what an impact that has had... and I will do that but first I have to get something off my chest.

I'm 40.  
I am very aware that 40 is not old.  I'm also very aware that although it sounds really neat, age isn't just a number.  If that were the case you would treat a 20 year old walking into the gym for the first time and a 70 year walking into the gym for the first time exactly the same.  If that were the case, professional athletes would be 45 and it would make no difference.  If age were just a number, it wouldn't matter if you were 85 and you fell down. Your hip would be just as strong as a 20 year olds.

Now I certainly don't think I'm falling apart but I DO think there are differences between me and say.... a 25 year old man who is crossfitting in the gym at the same time that I am.

I actually like to think I'm pretty young for my age.  I *like* to think I am healthier and in better shape than a lot of 40 year olds that I know.  In the summer of 2010 I was hit by a truck (literally) and was out of work for months and had to 'make a comeback' at the gym.  In the middle of that comeback, I ripped my labrum and had to have SLAP tear surgery.  So although I *like* to think I'm so much heartier than everyone else, the reality is I've had 2 major set backs in less than 12 months.

I work a pretty demanding job and it's a job I worked for years to hope to get.  I travel a lot. I have to plan ahead, be disciplined.  I am divorced and so whenever I am home I have my daughter.  It's a one woman show and I'm proud that I am able to fit in workouts so I can be the best I can be at all those things.

When I was rear ended by the truck and was going through that recovery, I thought nobody could possibly understand unless they too had been hit by a truck or been in some type of auto accident.  It was truly one of the most painful things that's ever happened to me.  When I had shoulder surgery in April, I didn't have nearly the ongoing pain, but I never anticipated how mentally taxing having  complete lack of use of my one arm for 6 weeks.  Try, right now, to go to the bathroom, get a glass of water, imagine doing your hair.... what else..shower, drive a car.... with one hand.  It was horrible. I had to rely on other people for what seemed like everything and after living such a life of independence this was a complete mental breakdown for me.

I vlog about my recovery on youtube.  I have had thousands of hits on the videos and many messages from people about to have the surgery or who just had it.  At the hospital, the nurse said she hoped I was mentally ready because she thought shoulder surgery was the worst to recover from.  People would walk up to me where I was wearing my sling and tell me their shoulder surgery story- most would say something like ".. it's been 10 months and it's no where near normal".   My physical therapist told me all about the horrible things that could happen if I retore- something that would most likely happen in weeks 10-16 if I didn't slow down.  You are starting to feel better, yet you are not better.
 'Don't go back to CrossFit' she would say... 'Although people like you keep me in business.'
People like me?
'Yes... 40 somethings that try to compete with the younger ones... heavy weight.. being timed.. it's job security!'
All the other therapists smiled and nodded in agreement.  Not to me... I wasn't going to let it happen to me.   I was finally on the upswing!

I went back to Crossfit at around 10 weeks, just like they said I was starting to feel better, and within a few classes I realized I was not ready.  I came home slightly defeated but decided I was going to build my own program and build myself up at home until I was ready to go back to the gym.
I have my personal training certificate, after all. I taught fitness classes for years.  Competed in fitness competitions, ran a marathon!  I can do this!

I did my training, stayed the course and after another 5 weeks I went back to crossfit.  I quickly realized I needed modifications for most everything.   I was weak and I was PETRIFIED.  I'm going to say that again because I don't know if anyone around me, other than my boyfriend, understood.  I was petrified.  Every box jump was jarring and I was afraid I would slip up and fall down.  Every time I ran the pressure felt like my shoulder was going to break off my body. Every time I had to ask 'what should I do' in front of the class I felt like a quitter.  Like I was wussing out. It was physically taxing but it was mentally taxing as well.  I met with a trainer who graciously helped me come up with modifications so I wouldn't have to constantly ask 'what about me, coach!'.  I know it's hard for people in the class to stop and to constantly hear me ask.

The reality was, I was desperately trying to gain control of my own health.  To be in control of what was happening to me instead of being pushed by peer pressure to do what everyone else was doing.  This was very very difficult for me.

I've had 2 major major set backs over the past 18 months.  And I'm 40.  I don't want to go to the Crossfit games and I don't even give one flying fuck about doing a work out prescribed. Been there, done that.   I am a busy busy working single mom and I want to go in and do my work out, get some activity, work towards a healthy life, have fun and be safe.

Today, I was in the gym and the workout was one I really didn't feel comfortable with.
     Overhead squats (overhead with the weight plus my arm still can not extend straight up)
     Front squats (I'm actually good with those)
     Back squats (this puts your shoulder in an extended position and holding even the weight of the bar is difficult.  That angle you have to put your arm at to hold the bar.... it's the exact thing that was fixed in my surgery.)
I asked about doing something alternative... now I'm a big girl and I can just leave if I'm not comfortable, right?   But soon everyone who was hesitant about the workout relented and did the posted workout and I didn't want to look like I was a wimp.  Even the coach said if we want to build our own workouts, we should just go to Golds Gym!  And 'can I really NOT do overhead squats or do I just not WANT to'.

 I can't. Not with weight.  But I did and with just a pvc pipe and I cried.  I'm not sure if it was anger or pain.  Anger at myself more than anything.  After going through so much and trying to take responsibility for my health, why was I putting it in someone else's hands?
It burned like a searing burn which I think was just breaking up of scar tissue.  Maybe that was good for me.  I've iced and done tens unit therapy and taken a pain pill.   I don't think I hurt anything seriously but I'll be sore. I'd like to think I've proved myself in the gym before.  I'm not a wimp. I go hard and I don't wuss out.  But I'm telling you, and you may think I'm exaggerating, that workout.... It will set me back in the most annoying of ways.  I won't be able to do my hair tomorrow.  It may be hard to get dressed.   I've proved myself before in that gym.  Why didn't I just say No? Or just leave.

And so I decided he was right.  I want to pick my own workouts and I want to be in control of what I do or don't do. I'm not 'Milking my injury' at No Excuses anymore.   I'm quitting the gym.  I love CrossFit- parts of it anyway.  I listen a lot to Robb Wolf and find it interesting what he has to say in terms of CrossFit- the association and certification and I think that doing it my way will be the best for me right now.

 I've ordered equipment and I will build a garage gym.  I'm actually excited about it, and perhaps I will pay as a guest from time to time and work out with my friends.  And any of my friends are welcome to come and work out with me!  I'll play the music loud and let you do whatever you want.  Even overhead squats.

-CFC
Reference:
It takes a YEAR to fully feel functional after SLAP Tear surgery:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SLAP_tear  : Stage four – completion. About a year after the repair you should be strong enough for a return to full activity.

Where's the vlog?

So this is a strange posting because I've always been really open on this blog and share the good and the bad.   I am a pretty open person and so that's what feels comfortable to me.

This slap tear surgery has been really emotional for me, and is probably one of the bigger struggles I'll face for a while, and when I started Vlogging, I did so with the intention of helping someone else who was about to go through this.  I had a lot of trouble finding information that was helpful to me when I was trying to get information on recovery, and so I wanted to provide that to someone else in the future.

Rather than post them here, if you want to find the videos and pass along to someone else, I thought it may be easier to pass along the Youtube channel instead.  http://www.youtube.com/user/noabadjujub?feature=mhum
Thanks!
CrossFitChick

It's the time between the 'Somethings' that make it worth while.

Yet another journey....    After modifing my WODs so they did not include anything with my right shoulder, icing forever, tried some active release therapy and finally not being able to sleep without pain, I decided to go to the doctor.  We took some xrays and have a athrogram MRI scheduled for later this week.  Looks like I have a possible SLAP tear in my right shoulder.  They can't confirm that until the MRI but all indications point to that.

A SLAP tear is an injury to a piece of shoulder cartilage called the labrum. This cartilage surrounds the shoulder socket, helping to keep it stable when you move.   Looks like I'll need surgery to repair it and from what I can tell from 'the google', I'll be in a sling for 6 weeks-ish. 

So the next step is Friday I'll have a Arthrogram MRI.  This is where they shoot dye into my right shoulder so they can get better contrast during the MRI. The shoulder is a complex joint, and this allows the doctors to pinpoint much better what needs to be fixed.

I suspect its from over use and maybe a bit of me trying to be so crossfit bad ass.  Kipping pullups seem to be a theme that comes up when I google 'crossfit SLAP tear'.

People say, 'it's always something' and I guess that's true but I actually think it's the time between the  'somethings' that makes life so fun.  If I didn't crossfit, I bet I wouldn't have this injury.  But think of how much I would have missed if I didn't crossfit?  My friends, my health (minus this!),  Craig, and possibily my sanity during some challenging times.  So... if I have to deal with this, and get better, then that's okay with me. 

In the future some things I'll do differently:  
*I won't wait so long to go to the doctor.  Some things you can fix on your own, but I think I knew from the beginning this wasn't one of them.
*I will work more on the METCON part of my WOD instead of lifting heavy.  Maybe I'm past the part of my life where I feel like I have to be able to bench press my body weight.... maybe lifting enough to build my bones and be healthy is more of a goal than a number. 

I was really comfortable with my doctor - Dr. Snehal Dalal in Lawrenceville.  He talked to me as if I understood what the issue was, how we may want to proceed in fixing it and what our next steps are.  I feel like I am really good at reading people and got a good vibe from the whole office. 

I'll update after the MRI reading and we'll see how we are going to proceed!  I'll be happy to be fixed up and pain free!

So.. what now?  I've run a marathon before... maybe I'll get back to running for a while and lay off the shoulder stuff.  :)


-CFPC

Somebody may beat me, but they are going to have to bleed to do it.

My goal last week during our annual sales meeting, was to stick to the paleo diet, eating no bread or deserts for the week. 
Let me describe the scene:   Mornings of full breakfast offered with amazing looking chocolate glazed donuts, pastries and french toast.   Morning snack table with sweets and sugary drinks ... big lunch with cheesy lasagnas and then afternoon spread of those big soft pretzels, a candy 'bar', more sugar......  it was amazing.  At dinner there were 4 or 5 deserts ... cheesecake, chocolate cake.  Wow.  I wish I'd taken a picture.

I ate none of it. 

I did drink a diet coke every day.  That was my saving grace.  But bringing along my protein drinks, paleo bars and almonds was perfect.   I was able to have bacon and scrambled eggs for breakfast.  They offered veggies and chicken most every other meal so I just stuck with those. It was good!

I really didn't feel like I had a problem with the diet at all... the soft pretzels made me think twice but I knew how I wanted to feel at the end of the week so with that in my pocket, it was simple to do the right thing for me.

On the other hand, I had a HUGE problem working out.  Our program went from 7:30 in the morning until sometimes 10pm at night.  It's just as important for your body to get rest, and I felt like my priority was work for this week, and so I stuck with the eating plan and cut myself a break.

This week, I am on the road in Alabama and I am paleo eating (with the same plan as last week since that worked for me) and I've already done some Crossfit tonight in the gym. I found it to be a good break after driving today and it was fun and easy to do in the fitness center! 

Mission Accomplished. 
oh... and remember that shoulder injury?  I have an appointment with an orthapedist next week.  :)  TCB Baby!

-CFPC