“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”

It's almost hard for me to update the blog today because I feel so oddly emotional about it.   Over the past 12 months I have worked so hard on my crossfit goals, done a 90 day paleo lock down,  relearned to do unassisted pull ups after my car accident, gotten personal bests on deadlifts and bench press, did Fran RX for the first time!  So many  great things I was so proud of.  I had a list of goals of items I wanted to accomplish by my 40th birthday - a muscle up, 20 unbroken pull ups, a 5k in under 25 minutes!

And now, here I sit.   I've hurt my shoulder and it must be fixed.  I have a hard time doing very simple things, even handing Olivia an apple sends shooting pain in the middle of my shoulder. The doctor felt like it looked like my shoulder was separated as well, probably from the muscles trying to compensate for the injury, and my collarbone is injured and they will be removing a piece off the end.  Right now, it almost feels dislocated, it hurts so much and looks odd.  So I feel like I'm at a crossroads where I have no choice, now is a good time to have it done with my work schedule (if there is ever a good time) and I need to move forward.

It has been 2 months since I have been able to crossfit, but 6 months since I hurt myself and have been able to crossfit with any intensity.  I tried at first, but it was so painful, and now, as time moves forward it has become increasingly uncomfortable to do even basic things, like pull my pants off.  :)

When I stopped Crossfiting, I went to a Ketosis diet, just to try something new and see how my body reacted to it.  It went well, I lost about 8 pounds in the first few weeks but I didn't feel very good on it.  I had to increase my fat intake and I'm just not used to how that feels.  Mentally it was difficult at first but also it just didn't make me feel good.  I like getting my carbs from veggies and fruit only but  I enjoy the paleo diet much better, and so I'm going to head back that way.

This past week - between ketosis and paleo - has been complete faileo.  I had a really stressful end of the quarter at work and I just 'fed' my anxiety about it.  It is so unlike me, really, but I think my nerves have gotten the best of me with all the pending changes that are about to happen.

So, if you've been reading along with any regularity, you know I like to have a plan!  If I know what to do, I don't have to worry about what's coming. I understand what is in my control and what is not.

I have an after surgery plan- both for immediate care and then for physical training and working in crossfit (lower body) into the mix after a few weeks.  I will get back to my paleo ways and stay focused on the things I CAN CONTROL.   Leaving to Him the things that I can not.

I'm scared.

It's not like me all to be scared.  but I really am.  Honestly I think it's going to hurt like a bitch and the prescriptions I got from the doctor reinforce that hunch.  It's some strong stuff.

I think the thing that would make this better for me, would be if I could have found some information on the Internet about recovery.  More about personal experiences and feedback. Things that worked or didn't work and what to expect.  But I could find very very little.

So I am going to create it for the next person.   Especially a crossfitter who wants to know what to expect.  I am going to video tape my story and create a Vlog of sorts... keeping record of daily thoughts, recovery and ideas.

Heading into my 40th birthday, in a sling instead of in a one handed handstand.  I will be missing that chance, and I will be focusing on gaining something else.

Wish me luck.
-CrossfitChick