I hate the moment my anger turns into tears.

I was going to blog about my diet and some tweaks I've made and what an impact that has had... and I will do that but first I have to get something off my chest.

I'm 40.  
I am very aware that 40 is not old.  I'm also very aware that although it sounds really neat, age isn't just a number.  If that were the case you would treat a 20 year old walking into the gym for the first time and a 70 year walking into the gym for the first time exactly the same.  If that were the case, professional athletes would be 45 and it would make no difference.  If age were just a number, it wouldn't matter if you were 85 and you fell down. Your hip would be just as strong as a 20 year olds.

Now I certainly don't think I'm falling apart but I DO think there are differences between me and say.... a 25 year old man who is crossfitting in the gym at the same time that I am.

I actually like to think I'm pretty young for my age.  I *like* to think I am healthier and in better shape than a lot of 40 year olds that I know.  In the summer of 2010 I was hit by a truck (literally) and was out of work for months and had to 'make a comeback' at the gym.  In the middle of that comeback, I ripped my labrum and had to have SLAP tear surgery.  So although I *like* to think I'm so much heartier than everyone else, the reality is I've had 2 major set backs in less than 12 months.

I work a pretty demanding job and it's a job I worked for years to hope to get.  I travel a lot. I have to plan ahead, be disciplined.  I am divorced and so whenever I am home I have my daughter.  It's a one woman show and I'm proud that I am able to fit in workouts so I can be the best I can be at all those things.

When I was rear ended by the truck and was going through that recovery, I thought nobody could possibly understand unless they too had been hit by a truck or been in some type of auto accident.  It was truly one of the most painful things that's ever happened to me.  When I had shoulder surgery in April, I didn't have nearly the ongoing pain, but I never anticipated how mentally taxing having  complete lack of use of my one arm for 6 weeks.  Try, right now, to go to the bathroom, get a glass of water, imagine doing your hair.... what else..shower, drive a car.... with one hand.  It was horrible. I had to rely on other people for what seemed like everything and after living such a life of independence this was a complete mental breakdown for me.

I vlog about my recovery on youtube.  I have had thousands of hits on the videos and many messages from people about to have the surgery or who just had it.  At the hospital, the nurse said she hoped I was mentally ready because she thought shoulder surgery was the worst to recover from.  People would walk up to me where I was wearing my sling and tell me their shoulder surgery story- most would say something like ".. it's been 10 months and it's no where near normal".   My physical therapist told me all about the horrible things that could happen if I retore- something that would most likely happen in weeks 10-16 if I didn't slow down.  You are starting to feel better, yet you are not better.
 'Don't go back to CrossFit' she would say... 'Although people like you keep me in business.'
People like me?
'Yes... 40 somethings that try to compete with the younger ones... heavy weight.. being timed.. it's job security!'
All the other therapists smiled and nodded in agreement.  Not to me... I wasn't going to let it happen to me.   I was finally on the upswing!

I went back to Crossfit at around 10 weeks, just like they said I was starting to feel better, and within a few classes I realized I was not ready.  I came home slightly defeated but decided I was going to build my own program and build myself up at home until I was ready to go back to the gym.
I have my personal training certificate, after all. I taught fitness classes for years.  Competed in fitness competitions, ran a marathon!  I can do this!

I did my training, stayed the course and after another 5 weeks I went back to crossfit.  I quickly realized I needed modifications for most everything.   I was weak and I was PETRIFIED.  I'm going to say that again because I don't know if anyone around me, other than my boyfriend, understood.  I was petrified.  Every box jump was jarring and I was afraid I would slip up and fall down.  Every time I ran the pressure felt like my shoulder was going to break off my body. Every time I had to ask 'what should I do' in front of the class I felt like a quitter.  Like I was wussing out. It was physically taxing but it was mentally taxing as well.  I met with a trainer who graciously helped me come up with modifications so I wouldn't have to constantly ask 'what about me, coach!'.  I know it's hard for people in the class to stop and to constantly hear me ask.

The reality was, I was desperately trying to gain control of my own health.  To be in control of what was happening to me instead of being pushed by peer pressure to do what everyone else was doing.  This was very very difficult for me.

I've had 2 major major set backs over the past 18 months.  And I'm 40.  I don't want to go to the Crossfit games and I don't even give one flying fuck about doing a work out prescribed. Been there, done that.   I am a busy busy working single mom and I want to go in and do my work out, get some activity, work towards a healthy life, have fun and be safe.

Today, I was in the gym and the workout was one I really didn't feel comfortable with.
     Overhead squats (overhead with the weight plus my arm still can not extend straight up)
     Front squats (I'm actually good with those)
     Back squats (this puts your shoulder in an extended position and holding even the weight of the bar is difficult.  That angle you have to put your arm at to hold the bar.... it's the exact thing that was fixed in my surgery.)
I asked about doing something alternative... now I'm a big girl and I can just leave if I'm not comfortable, right?   But soon everyone who was hesitant about the workout relented and did the posted workout and I didn't want to look like I was a wimp.  Even the coach said if we want to build our own workouts, we should just go to Golds Gym!  And 'can I really NOT do overhead squats or do I just not WANT to'.

 I can't. Not with weight.  But I did and with just a pvc pipe and I cried.  I'm not sure if it was anger or pain.  Anger at myself more than anything.  After going through so much and trying to take responsibility for my health, why was I putting it in someone else's hands?
It burned like a searing burn which I think was just breaking up of scar tissue.  Maybe that was good for me.  I've iced and done tens unit therapy and taken a pain pill.   I don't think I hurt anything seriously but I'll be sore. I'd like to think I've proved myself in the gym before.  I'm not a wimp. I go hard and I don't wuss out.  But I'm telling you, and you may think I'm exaggerating, that workout.... It will set me back in the most annoying of ways.  I won't be able to do my hair tomorrow.  It may be hard to get dressed.   I've proved myself before in that gym.  Why didn't I just say No? Or just leave.

And so I decided he was right.  I want to pick my own workouts and I want to be in control of what I do or don't do. I'm not 'Milking my injury' at No Excuses anymore.   I'm quitting the gym.  I love CrossFit- parts of it anyway.  I listen a lot to Robb Wolf and find it interesting what he has to say in terms of CrossFit- the association and certification and I think that doing it my way will be the best for me right now.

 I've ordered equipment and I will build a garage gym.  I'm actually excited about it, and perhaps I will pay as a guest from time to time and work out with my friends.  And any of my friends are welcome to come and work out with me!  I'll play the music loud and let you do whatever you want.  Even overhead squats.

-CFC
Reference:
It takes a YEAR to fully feel functional after SLAP Tear surgery:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SLAP_tear  : Stage four – completion. About a year after the repair you should be strong enough for a return to full activity.